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Happy Earth Day! Hope everyone's doing well. "Everyone" being myself, of course. Don't think anyone else reads these. I'm home sick from school today, which is kinda nice, because obviously. I sorta would have liked to go to school, though, because I'm missing a lot today. But oh well. Not much I can do now. I just finished redoing my room, and it looks pretty good. It's SIGNIFICANTLY cleaner than it was before. And I got a new bed. The other one was, like, 12 years old, so it's a pretty welcome change. I think that's all I have to say. I'm gonna go get some water and maybe play a song. If I feel well enough. Bye now, and remember, save the turtles! (because earth day.)
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This may or may not become a hlvrai fan page I don't know. I'm severely considering it though. I just need to work on my drawing skills so I can make fanart. I have no idea why I've not been able to get better at drawing. I'm right in the demographic for it. I guess I just need to practice more. And maybe a device that can actually run those drawing programs (no offense Ace.) I've never really seen the appeal of digital drawing, until realized that pretty much every *real* artist uses them. But yeah, maybe some hlvrai fanart coming soon? I dunno. I'll keep you (me) updated. Signing off.
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blah blah blah this is a post blah blah im posting because i dont wanna abandon the site blah blah blah love you guys
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Gooood morrow!! It is currently 4:44 am, and I just felt like I should make an update to the site. School started up again last week, and I'm already soooooo done with it. Even though I'm an upperclassman this year, it really doesn't feel like much has changed. Senior year's gonna be crazy. Assuming I'm not in Cali that is. I PROMISE you, if he gets stationed in Texas im not going. I'll stay here with The Grandparents, and spend one of the most important years of my life in a place I actually like, with my friends and community. Anyway, the real reason I'm writing this is because I'm taking a CompSci class this year, and I'm hoping I'll be able to make some bigbig changes to the site because of it. Of course, all he's taught us for TWO WEEKS is how binary works. Which, like, I understand is important, but come onnnnnnn i wanna code. that's why im here. But yeah, blog post made! Hopefully I can do this more often. Sorry its been so long. byeeeeee!
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Listening to my dad get all frustrated playing mario and growling like a [insert thing that growls] is the funniest, most annoying thing ive heard all evening. its starting to become mostly annnoying though. please stop dad, please. Despite what you might think, you actually don't have to do whatever jules tells you. If youre in as much pain as you say you are, then you should probably stop. He just said his hands were literally cramping lolllll. I can't wait for him to accidentally swear in front of her. or throw his controller or smth. He's acually like screaming. This is some proper gamer rage stuff.
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I am indeed still alive. Sorry I don't really use the site as much as I should. But im using it now, so you guys get a little update. I dunno why i talk like people are actually reading this. I know its literally just me, but like, it's fun to act like I'm having an actual conversation. I met a Russian exchange student at lunch on Friday. That was super super cool. I dunno why I always attract all the Russians in the school though. Maybe it's because I'm like the only non-Russian who understands them. They can sense it. I didn't really talk much to him, but I might see him again tomorrow. Hадеюсь он дружелюбeн... I love the Internet so so much. Charlie recommended the new Penguin series, but im broke + don't have television access, sooooo I spent about half an hour finding a place to watch it. Thanks to my lovely lovely friend Reddit (marry me please), I managed to find a good spot. Got the whole series, in English, unusual lack of popups, its great. Reckon I don't have much time left. Gonna go have a drink and wait for my night to get worse. I love you.
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Drinking and mcr at 11pm is such a vibe.
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Good evening Internet. I have encountered a dilemna. It first entered my mind on New Year's (congratulations to myself for making it another year, by the way), but has haunted me for the days following. This isn't an ethical dilemna, as these usually are, but rather a spiritual one. I am far from a spiritual individual, but I have my beliefs. One of which, of course, is the complete and utter distaste for Fortnite. Although this may sound trivial, it is clearly stated in the Thingbook (though the specific passage has not yet been put into writing), that, "Any dealings in or endorsements of the videogame Fortnite are expressly forbidden, and go against the ideals laid out by the Things." As my Comrade of the Faith has already committed sin in this regard, I am now the last bastion of true Thingist virtue left, to my knowledge. And herein lies my dilemna. On the first of the year, it was brought to my knowledge that HATSUNE MIKU would be subsumed into the ravenous, disgusting, property-merging amalgamation that is Fortnite. I'm sure we all know how I feel about Miku. And this is the origin of my contemption. Would it be right to finally play Fortnite, for the first time in my life, in order to enjoy the experience of witnessing Miku? I have dedicated much of my life to accumulating every piece of Hatsune Miku media available to me. It would be against this value of mine to simply ignore such an enormous opportunity. Conversely, this would directly require me to play Fortnite. I gag and recoil as I type those words. It has been a core tenet of my existence, for 8 years now, that I avoid such an experience at all costs. Straying that far from the guidance of the Things would simply be too detrimental to my spirituality, not to mention my position in the leadership of the faith. Which will it be? To commit sin against Thingism and, by entension, damage my mental fortitude, or commit sin against Miku, whilst maintaining a strong connection to my spirituality. Truly one of the greatest ultimatums of our time...
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So apparently Bo Burnham has a new thing coming!!!!!! I think its in 7 or 8 days. Assuming this is legitimate, of course. Nothing can be confirmed. HOWEVER I do have reason to believe that it is real and it is happening and this just might fix my life. He did it for me with Inside back in 2023, I would be beyond happy if he came back now, when I need him the most. Anyway, youtube channel called "robert" seems to be the place to be. I'm not on tiktok so I can only intermittently check that. Please be real, I need this to be real. I will return when I have additional information or major updates.
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It's been about 17 hours since I found out about the whole "robert" thing. Turns out it was a lie after all. Guess that's the last time im optimistic about something so quickly. The stupid idiot scammer beind the whole thing made a terrible video "apologising" about it, the whole time he was just doing the standard "blah blah blah, I didn't expect it to get this popular, blahhhh im so sorry wawawwwaaa." And of course, because he's clearly a spineless worm, he's just deflecting all the blame on his "friend," who almost certainly does not exist. I doubt that disgusting creature even has any friends at all. What on Earth did you think was going to happen when you impersonate a celebrity online?? Admit it. Admit why you ACTUALLY did this. It wasn't because of your stupid "friend," it wasn't because you liked "seeing the community bonding" or whatever, it was because you knew that you could easily take advantage of Bo's desperate fanbase, in order to get some easy popularity. It's really deplorable that you're so incredibly incapable of getting people to care about you that you felt the need to impersonate an actually impressive person in pursuit of some attention. Although it's really no surprise, given how you look and all. You're a fat, pig-faced moron who clearly has no shame, no morality, and no real reason for people to care about you. I, personally, think you should kill yourself, or at least let me do it for you.
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Part two of the "apology" came out just now. It turns out the "friend" does exist, and he actually fits the first guy perfectly. They're both fat, disgusting, shameless humans, comparable to professional "pranksters" who cause real harm under the guise of "fooling" people. They must have met in the McDonald's Plus Size CLub, because this second one is somehow even more obese than the first. His face is reminiscent of an infantile hog. The "apology" itself was literally identical to his partner's, save for the fact that half of it was dedicated to apologising to said partner, for whatever reason. You really can't even give your 2-and-a-half minute video to the people you decieved? Absolutely shameless. He should kill himself too. Maybe they can do it together, might be kinda romantic for them.
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This lethargic "do-nothing, feel-nothing" attitude is really not the best for me.
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He tried to kill me. He tried to kill me he was going to kill me but I stopped him. I tried to keep him out of my room but he worked the lock. I tried to hold him back but I just wasn't strong enough. I was scared and angry and scared and I hit him and I'M SORRY. I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that but please I didn't have to die for it. I'm not quite sure what happened right after that but I ended up on the floor and he was holding me he was holding me there. He had his arm around my neck and he was holding me and I couldn't breath. I couldn't breath I stopped breathing my blood stopped flowing he was going to kill me I was going to die. I told him. I told him he was killing me. He didn't care he said so he said he didn't care. He was going to kill me. I couldn't breath I COULD NOT BREATH. I didn't want to die I didn't deserve to die but he was going to kill me. He wanted me dead, I knew it in that moment. He felt so powerful, holding me right there, incapacitated. He could have killed me. He was going to kill me. I don't care what they say or what he says. He meant to end me. I barely managed to get him off me. I'm not sure how. I was so scared of him and I needed to defend myself and I struck him again. I think. My memory fails me a bit. If there hadn't been intervention after that he was surely going to kill me. He was so angry, and so lustful for that feeling of power. I'm certain that's how he feel. You can't trust what he says, he'll lie about everything. He'll tell any lie to save himself. He's not very good at it though. I can usually tell when he's lying. The others sometimes can't, so you can't trust whatever they say either. I don't want to see him again. I never want to see him again or hear him again or think about him again. It's midnight and I can't sleep because of what he did to me. I'm worried. I'm worried he'll come back when he thinks I'm sleeping and try again. I don't want to die. I have a knife in my pillowcase but I don't know what good it'll do me. I can't have music like I usually do because then I won't hear him. I try to close my eyes but I have to open them again to make sure he's not there. Make sure the door is still closed. I understand that I might sound dramatic right now. I apologise for that. I'm just trying to write out, as best I can, and the thoughts in my mind about the event. Everything that happened and everything that he did to me and how I feeel about it all. I'm now going to again try my best to fall asleep. Goodnight Internet.
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People with depression still feel things. I still feel happy, and excited, and loved at times. But they don't go deeper than that. The feelings. They stay on the outside. I look happy sometimes, and I kinda feel like I am. But there's always the other stuff too- the sadness and self-loathing and understanding that I'm never going to get better. People don't really mean it when they say they like me. Society says you're supposed to say those things. There's an obligation. I hate obligations. And I understand that they don't mean it now. People have other friends, they'll find other friends. They won't miss me, not truly. I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to keep hurting myself either. Going and seeing people, hearing them say they like me, and that they enjoy being with me, and knowing that they don't mean it, it hurts more than anything in the world. And it never goes away. I understand why they don't like me, of course. I'm not attractive, I'm not charismatic, im not funny im not cool or interesting or fun to be arround. ive managed to becomen the workst person incan thimk of. I think I'm finally ready to go. I've come to understand all these things about myself now, and I don't like them. I dont want to stay around any longer. There's nothing for me here. Nothing except the hurting and the fake friendliness and the hurting that comes from that. I loaded the shotgun for the first time today. The rest of the guns are all locked away. But not the shotgun. I've had the plaan ready for months, but I needed to check and make sure that it would work out. I'm certain it will. I just have to wait until everyone leaves. I told myself "not yet" earlier. Not yet. I'm not leaving yet. But I'm ready to. I wait until they all leave again, and then I go. I'll take it out to the park, and sit down by the lake. I think I'll still make a goodbye for my friends. Maybe then they'll actually care. I'll tell them why I'm leaving, and I'll tell them how. Then I'll say goodbye. I'll listen to my song, and then I'll do it. The last thing I'll see will be the trees, or maybe the water. Then I'll be gone. This might be my last post.
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